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Thanks, Tracy...I'm sure that our readers feel better knowing you are out there...doing...stuff.
<SPOILERS FOLLOW>
That's right bubbies, it's time for my review of "Cowboys & Indians", the fifth-grade film class project by little Johnny Favereau, so gather around the glowing god-box and drink in the word.
I really, really wanted to like this movie. I mean, c'mon: The second-best James Bond (Sean = #1, forever) and Han Fucking Solo in a WESTERN? With space aliens? How could this possibly go wrong?
Let's see. How about plot holes bigger than the canyons lovingly shot by the DoP/Cinematographer (whatever) Matthew Libatique? (No seriously, I really, really like this guy's eye. He knows color, spacing, depth of field and other technical-sounding words).
Plot hole numero ein:
So there are these space asshats that come down, stealing people to "learn their weaknesses" all while mining gold. Gold happens to be one of the most abundant resources in the galaxy. Let me repeat that statement and cite a reference:
one of the MOST ABUNDANT RESOURCES IN THE GALAXY. For instance, in our own solar system, there is a honking great asteroid named Eros (the goddess of screwing until your brains leak into a pail or something) that has 20 BILLION METRIC TONNES of gold alone. It's about the size of Bellevue. I honestly don't think there are 20 billion tonnes of Bellevue in Bellevue. Here's a reference in abstrat 'cause I'm too cheap to pay for the actual article: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/sci/tech/401227.stm
SOOOOOO - OK, the space fratboys can do interstellar travel, they like the gold...fine, right...but why go to the hassle of landing in a gravity well and dealing with aborigines (Daniel Craig, apparently...shut it, Tracy) when all they have to do is grind up a rock? The energy differential alone...It's physics and economics people. Try and keep up.
Plot chasm nummer ni:
So the sort-of ill-defined love interest (The uber yummy Olivia Wilde...seriously, yummy. She'd be even better if she ate a sandwich every now and again....C'mon Olivia...Just one philly, for me?) is some kind of hot Charles Bronson analogue, creepily enough, and is well, revenging up her people that can somehow regenerate or something because they seem to be some kind of energy people... but she has to blow them up with a suicide vest? really?
So she got here somehow (not discussed) and needs the help of yokels. Hell, we're only a hundred years separated from the cowboys and I can't think of a single thing I would need them for, up to and including cattle rape. (well, maybe that cute holstien over there....yeah, you....hey gurrl).
Plot canyon suuji tri:
Clancy Brown dies. That in and of itself is reason enough to sue the studio. YOU DON'T KILL CLANCY, HE KILLS YOU. Wait...never mind that's Sam Jackson. Moving on
So there were plotting inconsistencies. There were also symbolic....issues. Not issues as a symbol (Wait, maybe I got it wrong, maybe the issues were rather meta...maybe...I'll think about it) but issues with the symbols:
The Chiricahua (seriously folks. We've done these people wrong.) were helping us 'cause WE'RE THE INDIANS TOO...<simper><smarm> Fuck you.
A hummingbird is a spirit guide? OK, why? what precise interpretation of the Hummingbird Story are we talking about here? Hummingbird as the Totem of the Return to Purity? OK, wrong culture. Close though (Hopi) Wait...Fuck you. How about the Sun Manifest? nope....that's the Aztec. Another big fuck you.
and so on and so forth....
The acting.
The most important part of the movie was that Olivia Wilde doesn't show the goods. I want my damn money back for that tease. You get an above-the-butt back shot. The same one in the preview. COME ON.....
Harrison Ford. Sir, we need to talk. You used to be a good actor. You were never going to be great. These are facts. There are very few of even the greats that can make it past Social Security age and even pretend to be a bad-ass. You cannot. You come off as "moderately grumpy jerkalope". Please retire. Please. For the children
Daniel Craig. Adequate. See, Mr Ford? This is how bad-ass is done. You shut the hell up, squint a bit....and then kick some ass (note the complete lack of hip-breaking? well, maybe someone else's hip...never mind) Bunny got all kinds of squishy over how he looks in a vest. So I hate him.
Oh yeah and Keith Carradine is in it for some reason. He..... heheh.... he... snicker... kinda chokes (Yeah, I know that was his dad. I just had to) on the role of sheriff. It's probably not his fault. I mean if I got the crap exposition and watery lines he was handed, I'd phone it in as well.
Sam Rockwell - Y U NO GET MORE WORK? and more screen time? I had no idea why his character was there. none at all. And I didn't care. Because he's awesome. Yes, I am a tad "the gay" for him. Leave it alone.
In summary -
John Favreau marks time until The Avengers, Olivia Wilde shows nary a boob, Harrison Ford is turning into a boob, Daniel Craig needs to get back on the James Bond wagon, Sam Rockwell....you keep on doing what you're doing.
YAWN! I've wasted more time writing this than I have thinking about "Cowboys and Aliens" which kind of sums it all up.
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